You, my baby girl, are three years old. AMAZING! It is so funny to say, and I am sure for you to hear, or read about in the future, but it just seems like yesterday when you were a little baby. Oh Meghan, you were such a good little baby. Well maybe you were just a normal baby and since we had been through it before, it just seemed easier. I'm joking. From the minute you laid on my chest for the very first time I was so in love with you. I was so relaxed much more with you than I was with your sister. I knew what to do, I knew your different cries from the very beginning, I knew how to feed you, I knew how to parent a little bundle of joy so I thoroughly got to take all of you in without any worry.
When I found out you were going to be a part of our family, I cried. I doubted myself, I doubted the love that I had inside of me. I didn't think it could be possible to love your sister AND you so much. But love is amazing and when the realization that we were having you set in, there was no question at all that I could give you all the love you need.
I think your sister knew you were going to be a girl from the very instance we told her. When we told her that there was a baby in mommy's tummy she lit up, pointed to my tummy and said "my baby sister is in there!" She told everyone that she was going to have a baby sister. We tried to correct her so many times that we didn't know if you would be a sister or brother, but she was insistent. I begged daddy to let us find out if you were going to be a boy or a girl. But it didn't work. He wanted to wait for you to be born. Your doctor even said I could come back in, so they could look at you again "just to make sure you were measuring good". I almost did Meghan, but I waited. And I'm so glad I did. I can't explain the feelings, the emotions, and the excitement when a mommy has a baby, not knowing if she will have a boy or a girl. It is so magical!
Some of my favorite times Meghan was laying there, hands on belly, feeling you roll and roll. I would talk to you, sing to you and tell you stories of what you and Elizabeth would soon be doing. I would hold you in my tummy and tell you how much we loved you and what a wonderful life you are going to have. You completed our family sweet Meghan!
You, my dear, were very anxious to come into this world. Three weeks early, and a mere 56 minutes of labor, I saw your beautiful face for the first time. I prayed so hard that you would be a girl. I wanted so bad to have another girl, and when your amazing doctor put you on my chest and said you were in fact my little girl, I cried. I held you and cried such wonderful tears of happiness. Daddy cried too! Between you and me, I think he was scared to have a little boy. Because after all, he was surrounded by nothing but girls.
Minutes after you were born, a certain big sister of yours barreled into the room wanting to see "her baby sister". Meghan, as a mom, wonderful memories and moments will always be in our thoughts. But there are a few that, years and years later, can still bring up an emotion so raw it will immediately bring you to tears. That moment for me came when Elizabeth crawled up on the bed next to me and held you close. I looked at my girls, my family, we were all together, a complete family that I have never been so proud of. That memory of that very minute will forever be in my heart and I will always shed a tear of joy thinking of it.
Meghan, you were an amazing easy baby! Maybe it was because I HAD to share some of my motherly duties with Elizabeth. I had to remind her many times that I was the mom and there were certain things that only I, your mommy, could do. From the very beginning you were smothered in nothing but love from me, daddy, Elizabeth (of course), nanny, mum-mum, grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends... pretty much everyone who laid eyes on you! Everything was perfect Meghan. The perfect "perfect" I had always dreamed of.
Then, October 8, 2008 came, and our "perfect" changed. On this day, I felt immobilizing fear for the very first time. A fear, unfortunately has been repeated quite a few times, that dropped me to my knee's begging God to let me change places with you, begging, pleading with him to keep you safe and to bring any harm on to me. Your first seizure happened on this day Meghan. This day was the beginning of a whole new world for us sweet girl.
I didn't understand Meghan why this was happening to you. I was mad. My little girl was hurting and there was not one thing I could do take it away. You were a baby, you were so innocent yet you were suffering. I am your mom, and I am suppose to protect you and I couldn't this time. But I saw something in you sweetheart. After every time you were brought down by this monster, you fought back hard. In three short years, you have endured more EEG's, MRI's, blood tests, steroid injections than I can count. So many hospital stays, ambulance rides, intubation, and even a brain biopsy. Meghan, you have experienced more in your life thus far than some do in a complete 80 years.
I've watched you, held you, never left your bedside, prayed endless hours of prayer. I have experienced hundreds of scary hours with you. Yet, it falls so short of what YOU have gone through and continue to go through. But what amazes me Meghan, you LOVE life. You are so full of life.
From sun up to sun down, you are nothing but a ball of swirling energy going from one thing to another. Mostly it is things that you should not get into and know better! What you love most of all if for one of us to sit on the floor with you and play. You chase after Elizabeth with the hope and expectation that she will in turn play with you. And many times, when chooses not to be your playmate, you get even by pulling her hair.
You LOVE being chased! You come up to us, hit us on the leg, then once you get our attention you start walking backwards until you hear those magic words "I'm going to get you", then it is an all out sprint for you. We can run around the house for hours and you will just squeal in delight.
Meghan, you are relentless and determined. When you want something, you won't stop until you get it. As frustrated as it can be sometimes, I am so proud of that quality you carry in you. You HAVE to be determined, you HAVE to be stubborn, you HAVE to stand up and fight in so many aspects of your life Meghan, and laying down and letting life run you over is not an option sweet girl. You pick me up so many times with that determination and resistance to just sit back and let things happen. You are nothing but a pillar of strength and for that, I could not be more proud.
I'm your mom and I'm suppose to teach you about life Meghan. Don't get me wrong, I have taught you many things...but the most important of all lessons was taught by you to me. You taught me what is truly important in life. What I used to hold close to me as being important falls so so short of what truly is important. You alone opened my eyes sweet girl, and I will never ever lose sight of this much more meaningful outlook.
You will never walk this journey alone. We will have our ups and we will have our downs, but we are in it together. When you hurt, I hurt. When you cry, I cry. When you laugh, I laugh. You and me dear Meghan, for always and forever. With your sense of determination and strive, there is absolutely nothing in this world that can hold you back. So, we will hold each others hands and face the fears together. And I couldn't ask for a more precious daughter to walk this journey with. You ARE my heart Meghan and will always be.
I love you more than you could ever know Meghan. You make me so proud. Thank you for your hugs and kisses and most importantly, your love and patience. So on this third birthday of yours Meghan, I wish you the happiest day ever!! We celebrate you!
I LOVE YOU Meghan!!!
Love always,
Mom
